wow 831 days since I have been at xanga...didn't realize it had been that long...wow...anyways I have had a lot on my mind recently...actually not all that much but just enough to keep me awake...though I must say that if I am about to be going to bed at 5:45 then I guess I should just stay awake anyways less than two hours of sleep to make it to my class doesn't really make sleep all that apealing...anyways I have been thinking of my grandparents...I am afraid of visiting them, I guess I am afraid because of the strokes and medical issue they have been having...I don't want to see them and think of them the way they are now...I want to remember them like they used to be...but I don't know how to do that since I want to go see them...gosh I hate that people have to die..that there is death and mortality and sickness...I hate these things but I understand them, thats a lie no one understands them...no one really has a grasp on what any of them mean...sure we have medical advice on how to die or what to take when we are sick, and sure there are plenty of people to tell you how you got sick on the atomic level but no one really understands how it affects people drastically and others not so...and well I guess it is a good thing we don't know but it makes life hard...just like trying to figure out what I am going to do after college...I need to sell my house and find out when I will have money to be able to buy a ring so I can propose to the woman I love and then I need to find a place to live where we both can be happy...I have a job lined up, well I guess the job was opened for me when the guy my dad was training to take over his buisness left...that means I can take over my dads buisness and make the money which will enable me to live in a place like the bay area (Californai San Francisco area) but Sarah doesn't like that place...gosh she hates it...at least that is what she has said, but what bugs the hell out of me is that she refuses to look at anything from a good angle...I mean that when she has something in her mind, i.e. that something is wrong or shouldn't be that way then she refuses to ever even contemplate the other side...and it pisses me off...she gets in a bad mood because of the smallest things then she goes passive agressive and I am left feeling like shit but at the same time knowing I haven't done anything wrong...I love her I do, and I am not sure if I should tell her but I need to tell someone so I will tell this computer page.  and anyone who reads the rambling of an idiot. 

There are very few things in life that I truly despise and one of those is not being able to look at the bright side of life...I am sick of people like that, those who see everything as being screwed up or that life dealt them a raw hand so they should deal everyone else the sameness...Gosh I hate it...it pisses me off...and it makes me sad that they live their lives in a place that is so miserable all the time...but I can't do anything about it...all I can do is keep being myself.  Gosh just today for no reason at all sarah went from being excited and happy and cheerful to being pissed off at the world...anytime I mention living in the bay area she gets so mad...it makes me want to find someother type of work so that i can make her happy, but when I think about how financially secure I will be working for my father I can't even think about trying to get a job somewhere else, and whats more is that I will enjoy working there...it is a place where I will love to live and work and play and it is close to both sets of parents not to mention family so why the hell does she not want to be there...she is so so so spoiled sometimes I think a little bit of mishap could help her...then I remember that it doesn't really help it just makes people do one of three things, one mad at everyone, two ignore it and try to continue living their life, or three shut down and stop living at all.  I try to ignore it and keep living my life, if someone throws a rock at my face I duck, I don't stand there and get hit, yet at the same time I don't run after that person and beat the crap out of them, I continue on my way.  Gosh I don't know I am really just putting my thoughts on paper...but gosh I guess that maybe (I said a lot without saying anything) I am being too hard on Sarah...it isn't her fault that she hasn't had the best of roll models for how to live a life that is full of joy and peace.  I have.  I have wonderful parents that despite their flaws they both have shown me how to live a life that brings joy to others as well as their selves.  I am so glad I have a family like mine.  So how do I cope with someone that doesn't have the up bringing like me.  There are so many little things she does that piss me off, but I don't say  anything about them, I don't do anything because I alway think in my head to try and put her first, but at what time am I putting too much of her first and not watching out for myself?

Gosh I am frustraited.  I am tried of trying so hard with her every day...I am tired of going into every situation with her wondering when she is going to crash and what was funny two seconds before now is the end of the world and she is mad for the next five hours...we make fun of my roommate and his girlfriend because she gets mad at him and never forgives...but I am starting to realize that Sarah has the same mood swings hers is just less outright...she is subtle and pretends like nothing is wrong except that she becomes the ice queen and hates everything...when you can do nothing right to help a person stop doing anything at all...well this wasn't supposed to be like this rant in my head but I guess it is better that it is out of my head so I wont dwell on it. 

I love it that God doesn't allow us to put him off...when trying to forget about God because of feeling guilty over not paying attention to Him I am firmly reminded that as long as I go back to him and ask for forgiveness that he has already forgotten and is ready to have a relationship again...just today after some time of not reading my bible, about a week or two I am not sure...but while I was looking for books for class I came across a bible.  then as I was going to class another one of my bibles came to view...8 times today I saw these bibles as I had to go to my car to retrieve information for classes and through these times I always thought that I wasn't ready or good enough or capable at this time because I haven't been praying everyday and in the word so I talked myself out of it...then as I was getting ready to type a paper for class, the number 8 kept poping up in my mind... I had no clue why but it did...then "read" "read" "read" just kept appearing before my eyes as if I should not do any other work until I am right with Him...so I stopped and asked "well what should I read?"  the answer as fast as any came "matthew"  I asked what part then and as if I was stupid the number 8 manifested in my mind as it has all day.  I stopped doing my work opened an internet page to Matt 8 and began to read. 

Matt 8 is about mircles Jesus does through healing and the faith of the individuals who come to ask for healing.  I have asked for healing in my life but something within me is not allowing me to believe all the way...as if I am holding on to my knee problems because I have been identified with this problem for so long that I don't know what I would do without it....it is a very sickening thought that I am putting my doubt and fear infront of the powers of God...but I didn't realize this until 8:23-27 the story of the diciples freaking out on the boat as jesus slept.  In my mind like a flash I recongnized myself...I am with God always but I become afraid at the smallest difficulty and I don't have the faith in him which those who recieved healing did...as if God is telling me that as soon as I am able to put faith in him for all parts of my life and not just the ones I have deemed as acceptable then he will do great things in my life...but I am afraid...I don't know why I don't shake with fear like I would have a year ago...but at the same time I feel the dread in the back of my mind I am afraid of not knowing and where putting faith in God will lead me...maybe this is something a follower of christ shouldn't deal with, or some people might say that...but I am reminded of the closed minds of the diciples they had no realization that they were with God until after he came back from the dead...they constantly were missinterpreting Jesus' messages and they were always trying to do things on their own...if these men were then what God left to help build his church then I am pretty sure that God isn't going to mind that I have fears or a heart of timidness, I know he will work with me to figure things out and change what needs to be changed...Man he does blow my mind sometimes...and sometimes I just don't understand why I don't put all faith in him...I guess I need to make that leap of faith and know that when I step out there will be that bridge of invisible rock (an indian jones reference ;P )  oh well I guess that is all I have to say for now...and I missed class...but I do know that this was by far more important than going to class...even though being a good steward of my time and energy is needed what is more important is that I am in a relationship with God that he would want me to be in.  I wish I wouldn't  have to learn lessons the hard way in life...as if I am too stupid to see the mistakes of others and avoid those situations...I guess all learning has a curve and mine is so big it looks like a mountain...

well I rambled on again...in lengthy multi subject paragraphs...but this is the internet, who cares and sorry about spelling and grammar I suck at them.

What about all those days that have been spent in silence thinking about what could have been then a realization appears with what is not and will not ever be.  Then standing alone in a stark realization that what you longed to live for really was nothing but a ploy envisioned by the multinational corporations to feed influence on a childs life and leave that child without a thought of their own knowing that their existance was meaningless...what type of realization does that enable...death...suicide...murder...carlessness...absolute depresion... and we wonder why our world is so screwed up...we force children to look at their lives as if there was nothing left, as if they meant nothing to anyone and in the process they find out that their parents had them to try and keep an already failing marriage together, now their family life is misserable their realizing the world is out to get them and there is nothing for them in this misserable life.  what a horrid place to live in...how does one ever get out...how did I ever get out of the spiral of death that is propogated by the theories of men who are now long dead in greek myths which some think are philosophies of life. 

Looking straight forward a person sees the sun setting, it closes the day and opens time for the night a night which can be nothing more then the end of time and nothing less than the begining of a world.  So where do we exist in between these mass events?  Where does anyone exist when you take their existance and throw it in a blender to be ripped apart by the ever destructive pressure of  the world.  I guess I got lucky and He pushed his way to me in my ignorance...so how do we reach those without a pushing force in their seemingly bleak life one at a time one at a time.

what to write what to write what to write... I don't know I guess I have been not thinking about anything really much...or anything at all...my life has been focussed on dealing with pain of my knees and wishing that I would be done with school without having to do the work but I know I haven't been thingking much of anything lately ...kinda like my life has been so busy that I haven't been able to really think I am just going through the motions of life just trying to think of all that I have to think of gets me tired so I don't think at all...good plan...sarcasm...oh well bye for now